TRISTAN AND ISOLDE

After the Romans have left, the island of England is divided into many different dukedoms. They have tried, unsuccessfully, to unite against their hated oppressors, the Irish. Uh... what? It's the other way round people. Anyway, during another unsuccessful attempt to unite the island, the Irish attack, killing the main instigator, a.k.a. Tristan's dad. Tristan (James Franco) is adopted by Marke (Rufus Sewell), the one who was up for king of all the tribes.

Years later, the Irish attack again, and Tristan is thought to be killed so he is given a Vikingish send off (they place him in a boat and light it on fire). Instead of sinking, the sturdy little boat brings him to Ireland where he is found by Isolde (Sophia Myles), the Irish King's daughter. She, after seeing that he really isn't dead, nurses him back to health and they fall in love.

Tristan returns home and everyone is happy, except for Tristan, who gave up his girlfriend, and Isolde, who lost Tristan. Fortunately for her, her brutish betrothed was killed, so the Irish King decides to give her as a prize to whichever duke of England wins the tournament. Tristan decides to go win the tourney for Marke, because he is unaware that Isolde is the Princess. His brilliant plan is that they tell all the dukes that whoever wins will become the King and Marke will support it. Tristan is confident he will win.

And he does, only to realize that he just won his girlfriend for his adopted father figure ... Oops.

So Marke and Isolde get married and Marke becomes the King. All the while Isolde and Tristan have a heated affair. One of the dukes finds out and uses to publicly discredit Marke, because he (can't remember his name) is in league with the King of Ireland. While everyone is still reeling and Tristan is in the dungeon, the evil duke convinces the other dukes and Marke's nephew Melot (Henry Cavill) to attack Marke and place Melot as king. Well, he betrays them all by killing Melot after the boy shows him a secret way into the castle.

Unbeknownst to the evil duke and the Evil Irish King, Marke has let both Tristan and Isolde go so they can be together. Tristan, unwilling to leave Marke alone, goes back and is mortally wounded and dies in Isolde's arms.

This movie was incredibly boring right up until Tristan and Isolde get caught. I mean it was obvious it was going to happen. The entire beginning of the film was obvious. Well, now that I think about it, the entire movie was obvious, but at least the end was entertaining.

It was a shame, really, because it had such potential. The acting was excellent, except for the fact that Tristan and Isolde had very little chemistry together and that was kind of integral to the entire movie. And some people's accents were non-existent. The battle scenes were phenomenal, and I love me some good battle scenes. But battle does not a good movie make, or something.

It's the villain.

The Irish King was a good villain, but the evil duke was stupid. He allied himself with his enemy to become the king of England. Hello! The Irish king doesn't want England unified! They've said it like a dozen times. So - think with me here people - if he suddenly backs you to become the King of a country he doesn't want unified there must be an ulterior motive. Whish is nicely outlined by the evil king.

Step 1: Set up idiot as king and, in doing so, weakening all the other armies

Step 2: Kill idiot king while the country is weak and confused, ensuring another few generations of occupation

Step 3: Laugh evilly

If he didn't see that then he really was stupid.

I would like to point out that there were so many things wrong historically that it took away from my enjoyment of the movie, which was pretty small to begin with. Coral goes into the details, but there were two things that really pissed me off.

1 - Since when were the Irish the aggressors? I don't have the words to describe how wrong that is.

2 - Where were the Celtic women? England and Ireland were both populated  by Celts. Celtic women fought in battle.

No matter how bad King Arthur was, they at least got that right.

Grade: 5.5/10