Harry Potter
For those of you who don't know, this is a series of movies based on the series of books about a wizard boy and his wizard friends. I am not going to waste my time reviewing all three movies, especially since the next two are due to come out in the next three years or so and I have no intention of reviewing those either. Unless they completely change my opinion, which I doubt, so this will be it: one super review. And for all three I'll say the same thing: save time and money, read the books.
Watching Harry Potter was like those books on tape things I had when I was younger, all that was missing was the chime that told you to turn the page.
I found the movies completely boring and lacking spark. Now some of the acting I liked; Hermione and Ron were fine, I loved Hagrid and the professors... let's not beat around the bush. I can't stand Harry. Not only do I not like the acting, but I hate character of Harry, even while reading the books.
The books weren't all that enjoyable to begin with so I had little hope for the movies, but I held at least respect for the books. They got kids reading, which is great because literacy among today's youth is dropping, or so I'm told. The movies on the other hand...they were crap and I haven't enjoyed a single one. Now some people might say that I'm being too harsh and that the third movie was better. Well, yes it was better than the first two, but that's like saying getting shot once is better that being shot twice. Either way it's still painful.
Alright so maybe I am being a bit rash, I did enjoy the last 45 minutes of the Prisoner of Azakaban. Gary Oldman and David Thewlis did a wonderful job portraying Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, I actually felt for them. If I just watch the scene between the two of them I fall into the trap of actually thinking the movie has heart, but then Harry shows up again on screen and it's starts going down hill once more. Watching Lupin change into a werewolf, I'm drawn in by the amazing effects and then Buckbeak is sitting there in the pumpkin patch and then the crappy effects of the Basilisk and the Phoenix all comes rushing back.
Even though there are some good moments during the movies, they are outweighed by the boring acting, things that work well on paper, but not on film, and bad special effects. And I swear Quidditch was only interesting for the first five minutes, not three movies later. Oh no! The entire 10 first chapters of forth book is all Quidditch, dammit.
If the movies hold the same pattern as the books then movie four will be boring as watching ice cream melt and number five will be so bad that I can only hope someone has slipped a sleep-aid into my drink.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: 4/10 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: 3.5/10 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: 4.5/10
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Tri-wizard tournament, blah. Voldermort back, blah, blah. Goblet of Fire, blah.
Okay, surprisingly I actually enjoyed this movie. Especially Snape; he's funny. I love Alan Rickman. First and foremost *gets up and does a happy dance * no Quidditch! None whatsoever! I was so happy when I saw that.
I only have one problem with the movie itself and that was the ball. God that was painful. The onset of teeny-bopper romance. *Shudders* Well that and the intro of the other 2 schools. What was up with that sighing thing Beauxbatons had going on? That's your entrance? The other school's intro was at least exciting, even if it was a little cheesy. The rest of the movie was well done, with very few tacky CGI moments (Merpeople) and bad acting (Myrtle). Plus, Cedric, yum!
As long as you didn't think, there was no problem, except that they removed a scene that sets up the next movie. It's when you start thinking about it that you see the problems with it. I guess most would be because of the book, but I'm so not reviewing that too.
First of all, Goblet of Fire: magical powerful sorter of the strong for the Tri-wizard tournament, yet it can't tell the difference between the numbers 3 and 4? What? I think it's time for a magical re-tuning, don't you. Coral pointed out that it made no sense how Harry's name got in the Goblet in the first place. If it was as simple as getting someone else, someone older, to put your name in for you, then the twins were thinking too hard with their aging potion.
Okay, Voldermort? How did you become so evil that people fear to speak your name when you broke like 8 of the Evil Overlord Rules? Eight! And I feel I must point each and every one of them out.
#6: I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. Dude, Harry was tied to a freaking statue and you didn't kill him! What were you thinking?
#115: I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. Dude no. Just ... no.
#117: No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" Lucius was so going to help and then you put a shield up around you and Harry. Does that make any sense at all? No.
#21: I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. In this case they looked like the KKK, who are still around, but you get my point don't you? Just a side note, did the scene of Karkaroff's confession strike anyone else as a little too 'Salem Witch Trials' and The Crucible?
#29: I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. Black? Black is so over. And what is up with the lizard nose?
#104: My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. Not just any tattoos; huge moving ones. And what was up with pulling the masks off of his minions in front of the hero?
Speaking of masks: #1: My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
And that brings us to the big one. #85: I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." Voldemort needs Harry's blood, right? So he concocts this huge plan involving a lot of magic and one of his followers getting into to the school and passing as Mad Eye Moody to get Harry not only in the Tri-wizard Tournament, but to win it because the Goblet of Fire is in actuality a portkey to Voldemort. That is absurdly complicated when all Moody needed to do was wait until everyone was distracted with the Tournament and say, "Harry, would you pass me that book?" where said book is a portkey.
Hey, look at that. I made the entire fourth book/movie completely pointless (except for the House Elf Rebellion, but I don't think that ever had a point). Whoops! I didn't mean to do that. I really did enjoy this movie. Honestly, I think I think too much.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: 5.5/10