Cursed

We start off seeing a really bad band perform at a fair, singing about the wolf stalking Red Riding Hood. So my expectations of this movie just sank way down. 'Cuz there ain't no way that many people are dancing to that bad a song. And how cheesy is it for them to be singing about a wolf in a werewolf movie? Anyway two young women, Becky and Jenny (Shannon Elizabeth and Mya) go to a psychic (Portia de Rossi). Jenny is telling Becky to dump some guy and wants the psychic to agree. The psychic instead predicts a horrible, horrible death for both of them.  Sorry ladies better luck next life.

Next we see Brooke (Kristina Anapau) working and a golden retriever walks in.  She is immediately smitten and the owner Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg) comes in calling for Zipper. He tries to act all cool saying how the dog always seems to escape him, but fails, (subtly also escapes him) the entire time Zipper is sitting there going: I'm just doing what you told me to. Bo (Milo Ventimigila) a.k.a. Brooks boyfriend walks in and starts the homosexual jokes at Jimmy's expense. Brooke comes to Jimmy's defense by saying 'ignore him Billy'; wow she's someone I want in my corner.

Next we skip to Ellie (Christina Ricci) who is supposed to go pick up her brother, Jimmy, but decided to stop in and check on her boyfriend Jake (Joshua Jackson) who is working like an idiot to get his horror themed club open in time. She senses something amiss but doesn't press, since he needs 'space'.  She leave and goes to get Jimmy and as they drive home a huge shape slams into the car and they swerve and hit another car which goes over a hill. Jimmy calls the cops and Ellie walks down to investigate. We see that the other driver is Becky and as the siblings work to get her free, the giant blur comes back and attacks all of them. Jimmy and Ellie are cut up but poor Becky dies that horrible, horrible death. Hey, score one for Zela the psychic!

They start going through changes, Jimmy actually stands up to Bo, and Ellie... lets her hair down. Not figuratively, literally, she doesn't wear it up. I guess that means she's no longer an uptight person, but you can't tell by her acting.  Things keep getting weirder as Ellie stats to smell something really good and it turns out it's a co-workers nosebleed. Eew.  People are starting to get attracted to Ellie and to Jimmy, especially when Jimmy tries out for the wresting teams and kicks Bo's ass while throwing the gay jokes back in his face and Ellie... wears a pink shirt.... huh? Anyway Ellie goes to a party to talk to Scott Biao (as himself) and Jenny is there flirting with Jake, and so are a bunch of other women.  Eillie gets all pissy and leaves and then we see Jenny get killed in a horrible, horrible way. Two for Zela.

Jimmy figures out that they are becoming werewolves, but Ellie won't hear of it.  Jimmy is at home, Zipper has been acting strange ever since the day of the accident (he even bit Jimmy right after the accident). Before Jimmy can do anything about the dog, the  doorbell rings and it's Bo.  Bo wants to know how Jimmy knew. Jimmy has no idea what is going on and then Bo tries to kiss Jimmy.  Wait. What? Holy crap! There's a gay moment in a horror movie and it's not  involving two women! I love this movie! Jimmy is freaked out saying he's not gay and the sexual magnetism he has now is because he's a werewolf. Bo wholehearted agrees with the sexual magnetism. Jimmy's all 'good for you' and goes inside, where he is attacked by Zipper how has turned into a werewolf...weredog? Werewolfdog? Whatever. Apparently when he bit Jimmy he got infected and now he's evil. Bo is still at the door, saying they're not finished talking. Jimmy grabs him and heads for the car while Zipper tries to eat them both. Bo sees now that Jimmy wasn't lying about the werewolf thing and agrees to help him find his sister.

Ellie, on the other hand discovers that both Becky and Jenny used to go out with Jake, as did Ellie's hated co-worker Joanie (Judy Greer). Why does everyone's name ends in 'ie' or 'y'? It's annoying. Anyway Jake is a werewolf. Big surprise.  (Yes that was my sarcastic voice). She thinks that he killed both Jenny and Becky and runs away from him. Jimmy calls her, saying he's at the opening of Jake's club, because that's where he thought she'd be. So she heads over there and tells him to stay away from Jake, who makes it there in record time. Jimmy and Bo avoid him by going into the hall of mirrors, Ellie follows and so does Jake. Jake is trying to convince her he didn't kill anyone. That there's another werewolf out there trying to find him. She believes him right when the other werewolf shows up. It takes out Jake and Bo and goes after Ellie and Jimmy. As it turns out, the werewolf is Joanie. See she bit Jake one day while they were halving sex and got cursed. Jake on the other hand was born with the curse. Now Joanie is obsessed with Jake and kills the competition.

After a huge fight Joanie is killed and Bo is fine, but Jake is nowhere to be found. They go home, convinced the curse is over, now that Joanie's dead, because she's the one who infected them.  Only it doesn't work like that. Jake started the curse so they are still cursed. He then tries to kill them because Ellie won't leave with him and there can only be one Alpha male so Jimmy has to die. Jimmy? Alpha male? Don't make me laugh.

Anyway they fight and Jake is killed and the cursed is lifted, finally. Then Brooke shows up with Zipper. Apparently she found his dog and Bo showed her where he lives. A little too convenient that considering the curse lifted like thirty seconds before, so Zipper would still be under it's influence when Brooke found him. Anyway Jimmy gets the girl ... and the guy...I think and Ellie gets to clean up her dead boyfriend's remains. Fun.

You know I enjoyed this movie only because that opening scene with the crappy band was so bad that I knew the rest of the movie was going to be terrible. It sort of was, but since I knew it was going to be bad I was able to enjoy it.  Because if you think about it, the movie is stupid. Since when does someone get cursed by biting a werewolf? It's the other way around! And why is Joanie so obsessed with Jake? It's kind of pathetic. And how did Jake not know Joanie was the other werewolf? She bit him! One would think he'd notice? And how did he go from 'I love you so much' to 'You're weak and pathetic and I want to kill you' in a span of ten minutes? If he's that bipolar I think she would've dumped him awhile ago. And what was up with werewolves having sexual magnetism? I though that was vampires.

So the plot was stupid and Christina Ricci can't act and it was painful to see her swear. I don't know why. The special FX's were cheesy, the characters unlikable, and the attempts at horror and scary moments were laughable at best, but as long as you go in knowing it will be terrible it's enjoyable.     

 Grade: 5/10