Wild Wild West

Oh my god! This movie was awful!

After some insane, rambling guy is running for his life with a giant metal contraption around his neck and another metal contraption chasing him, and beheading him. We see a man, obviously the product of inbreeding, saying how scientists were supposed to be smart. Then  we go to what could possibly be the cheesiest opening credits in the history of movies. I already hate this movie.

After that we meet Captain James West, aka Will Smith, bathing in a water tower with a woman. She doesn't having bathing on the mind. Um... people drink out of that water. After a random fight sequence where he manages to get everybody to hold still long enough to get his pants and belt on, we see the inbred guy, General Bloodbath McGrath (Ted Levine) loading crates on a wagon. Crates full of nitro glycerin. Yeah, like that's believable. The way these guys were tossing it about? It would have blown up ten minutes ago.

Whatever, then we're in a saloon with tons of naked people, and a woman who is obviously a man, and McGrath and some guy being kidnapped. The guy being kidnapped is another scientist and the female/she-male is really Artemus  Gordon (Kevin Kline), a US Marshal that is hunting McGrath, because he's kidnapping scientists.  We don't really know why West is hunting him just yet, but we find out later that McGrath is responsible for a massacre that killed West's family. Hence the nickname Bloodbath. 

Anyway, McGrath gets away, nitro goes up, we meet main bad guy, Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) and his entourage of busty Amazon women. (I'm serious, one is called Amazonia). Continuing on, I don't know why, the two are forced to team up by the President, who is going to Utah to seal the deal about the completion of the railway and wants everything wrapped up by the time he gets back.

So they work together and there is immediately tension between the two because Gordon is an idiot and West is an asshole. Throw Selma Hayek in the mix and the movie just keeps getting worse. I don't think there's a reason for her in this movie, except to show off the costume crew's corseting abilities. That or the writers were so stupid that the couldn't come up with another way for West and Gordon to figure out where Loveless was heading, so they had her 'overhear' a conversation between the henchmen...um henchwomen. I'm pretty sure she was in the same room as they were. And the writers are expecting me to believe that the women are so stupid that they would discuss their evil plans while someone else is in the room; they are sadly mistaken.

Loveless is heading for Utah to get the President to sign over the USA to him. Heading to Utah in a 80 foot, hydraulic spider of death. Um... question? He has a 80 foot hydraulic spider of death and he is discussing with foreign dignitaries about splitting the US into 4 parts; the South going to Mexico, Louisiana (which was a lot bigger at the time) goes to the French, the 13 colonies goes back to England, and Loveless will get the rest. But it has to be legal, so he has to kidnap the President to get him to sign a paper. Does that make sense to anyone?

You have a 80 foot hydraulic spider of death and you're discussing? People with 80 foot hydraulic spiders of death don't discuss, they take over the entire freaking world! Geez, what is the world coming to when the villains start thinking small?

Fast forwarding to the end; the good guys win. Boo!

Man, this was a bad movie. Damn the stupid insomnia that kept me awake and this was the only thing that was on.  It was so tacky and badly written that it was actually embarrassing to watch. It was just everything was so overblown, it was impossible to believe that any of the gizmos used in the movie actually could have been there. If I don't believe that an 80 foot giant spider is coming the kill the President, then the movie won't hold water, and it didn't.

I couldn't even relate to the characters, they were that unbelievable.  I hate West and his attempts to be James Bond, (there were a lot of attempts to make this movie similar to Bond movies and they all failed) I had no idea what Gordon was about, and what was the point of Rita (Hayek)? I mean she contributed nothing except to add more tension between the two because she was 'attracted' to them both. Then at the end we see that she wasn't searching for her father, she was looking for her husband, so nether of them got her. What was the point of that?

And Loveless was just so stupid. Why was he keeping the scientists alive? Smart villains kill the scientists they've kidnapped once they've outlived their usefulness. And why did he bring them to the conference with the delegations and the President? That's just asking for trouble. Plus why did he keep Rita alive? It's not like he can do anything. Everything below his waist was missing. I don't get how he was such an evil genius since he lost the part of the anatomy he actually did his thinking with. I must give him props for actually testing out his inventions first. That was one thing he did right, but the way he did it was stupid. He betrayed his allies, and slaughtered an army that was willing to work for him. Stupid.

The really bad part of the movie, though, was the dialogue. There were so many attempts at humor but in reality they were just really cheap discriminatory remarks, none of which were funny. There was an entire conversation where West and Loveless were taking stabs at each other. Loveless was making anti-black remarks, and West was making really bad jokes about Loveless having no legs. None of that was funny.

In reality West would never have become a Captain in the 1800's in United States. The only way to make it believable is not to emphasis the fact that he's black, if that makes any sense. But no, because Will Smith has to have at least one black joke in every movie, so that would've been impossible. God, I hate that. I mean, when Will Smith walks into a room and snorts 'white people', that's supposed to be funny, but if a white guy walked into a room and shakes his head and says 'black people' that's racist. The street goes two way here people!

AHH! I hate this movie! I have to go wash out my brain now.

Grade: 1.5/10