The Hitchhiker's Guide the the Galaxy

 

 

If the idea of singing dolphins bothers anybody else, I suggest skipping the intro of the movie. You won't miss much except that man isn't the smartest creature on the planet. I could've told you that. I mean... humans are the third smartest. The second smartest are dolphins and the film leaves you suspense about the first smartest. You see dolphins were trying to communicate with us, only we interpreted their language as cutesy tricks. Oops. Anyway they know the planet is doomed and leave. Just like that. I guess living in the water prepares you for that nasty space travel.

At the non-singing dolphin beginning we meet Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman) who is a little depressed because the woman he fell instantly in love with, Tricia (Zooey Deschanel) left without him and his house is about to be demolished. His friend Ford (Mos Def), who isn't a human, tells him that Earth is about to be destroyed and in return for saving his life when they first met, he will now safe Arthur's life.

Right after Arthur's home is demolished, the Earth is destroyed. Wow, he's having a really bad day.  Ford and Arthur grab a ride on a Vogon ship where they are read poetry and then thrown out of the ship. Only to be picked up by another ship.

This ship, The Heart of Gold, was stolen by the President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell), who is the guy that Arthur's love left with, (and she is on the ship too! Talk about coincidence). The last member of the crew is a manic depressant genius robot, Marvin (Alan Rickman).  The ship has an infinite improbability drive, which apparently is vital to the story.

When they meet, Ford and Zaphod have met before and do this ridiculous greeting dance. Why anyone would want to openly admit they know the idiotic, self-indulgent, ego-maniacal president, is beyond me. What does that say about Tricia aka Trillion who left with him? Um... why does he have two faces? The second one is worse that the first one.

Ahhhhh!!! The ship talks!!! And it's cheerful! Kill it!

I'm alright now. So the Pres shows them a vid that shows a race of people who built a super computer called Deep Thought (Helen Mirren) to ask it what is the meaning of life. 71/2 million years later they get an answer: 42. To say the least they are slightly perturbed. Anyway Deep Thought instructs them to build a computer to think of the ultimate question and then the answer will make sense. The Pres wants to find  the ultimate question for the fame and fortune, because apparently being the president of the galaxy isn't famous enough.

They are using the infinite improbability drive (which brings them to random points in the universe in a random form) to find Magrathea,  the planet Deep Thought is on. So far it hasn't worked. This time they are brought to a planet where Humma Kavula (John Malkovich) runs a cult that thinks a giant hanky will wipe them out of existence.  Apparently Zaphod beat Humma in the presidential race, but Humma said some nasty things about him, so the Pres wants payback. Instead Humma steals the Pres' second head and gives them the coordinates to Magrathea, because he wants them to retrieve a gun for him.  Then the Vogon show up and captures Trillion, thinking she was the one who kidnapped the President.

To rescue her they jump into the escape pod and fly after them. Was anyone else really happy when that stupid crab was crushed? Or when they were slapped in the face over and over again by that shovel creature? While the guys fill out forms to get her released, Trillion discovers that the Earth was destroyed and it was Zaphod who signed the order.  They rescue her eventually and make it to Magrathea only to discover the planet is closed. When they try to land two missiles are launched. Arthur hits the drive and the missiles get turned into a whale and a bowl of petunias.... sure why not?

On Magrathea they find portals to another dimension, and the Pres gets one to work. While Arthur is arguing against going everybody else jumps in, leaving him and Marvin alone. They are found by a man who builds planets. He shows Arthur Earth Mark 2 and tells him that the creation of Earth was paid for by mice, who, as it turns out, are the smartest creatures on the planet.

The others have found Deep Thought who tells them that Earth was the super computer that she designed to find the ultimate question. So they get the gun that Humma wants. It turns out to be a view gun that if you fire it at someone they will see your point of view. After a pointless scene where we delve into the mind of Trillion, they are kidnapped by mice.

Arthur is brought back to his home on Earth and discovers everybody else inside eating, being hosted by mice, They have rebuilt Earth to find out the question, but instead of waiting they decide to just cut out Arthur's brain. Why didn't they just cut out Trillion's brain? Anyway Arthur gets out and kills the mice, only to have the Vogon show up again. When all seems lost, Marvin shoots all the Vogon with the View Gun and they all fall over depressed.

Arthur then decides to leave 2nd Earth and they all travel to the restaurant on the other side of the Galaxy.

Wow that was bad. There was no goal! Every movie, the main character has to have a goal that he or she actively pursues. Arthur didn't have a goal! The only character that had a goal was the idiot President and he forgot it most of the time.   I mean what did Arthur achieve in this movie? Well, he got the girl, but who cares! Anyone who falls for the idiot President with a stupid pick up line, is not worth the trouble.  Well, Arthur has grown as a person, but that wasn't very exciting. That type of story might work well in a book (I don't know yet, I haven't had the time to read it yet) but it certainly does not work in movies.

It wasn't even all that funny. The only thing it had going for it was the special effects. And the costumes were really cool too. Other than that, it was awful.

Grade: 4.5/10.