Dead Alive/Braindead

Okay, where to begin? There's a monkey, that's not really a monkey, it is a rat monkey, in that it looks like a rat. This guy went to an island to get the monkey, which isn't a monkey. It's not an island either. Is in The Paths of the Dead from The Return of the King, and maybe that should have been a clue, because the guy that got the monkey gets bit by the monkey and his guides kill him. Right then and there. The guides, being opportunistic, sell the rat monkey to the Wellington Zoo, and are much happier for it.

We next go to, I'm guessing Wellington, to a quaint little store, where the cashier, Paquita (Diana Peñalver), is flirting with the delivery guy. Her grandmother (Davina Whitehouse) takes her aside and does a tarot card reading.  Apparently the guy she likes is not the guy for her. Sorry that what the cards says, and in horror movies the cards make the rules. There will be a new man, she will know him for the moon and star symbol. There's another card ,'oppression' but she quickly hides that.  Then a man walks into the store. Lionel (Timothy Balme). At first she all pissed, then he knocks over pencils and they fall into the shape of a star and moon and... you guessed it, she falls instantly in love with him.

Unfortunately for her, his mom (Elizabeth Moody) is a bit psycho. Just a bit. She follows them when they go on a date to the zoo and she gets bit by the rabid evil rat monkey, which, according to the zoo keeper, has been used in black magic spells. Yay!  When black magic is involved things can help but having a happy ending! Anyway the wound festers and starts shooting pus. And eventually the mom dies.  And then comes back to life and kills a nurse. Who also comes back alive.

Instead of doing the only sensible thing -setting them on fire to watch them burn- Lionel takes a trip to the Nazi Vet for some tranquilizers and shuts them up in the basement. Only the mother get out and gets hit by a bus then there's a funeral and she is buried. When Lionel goes to dig her up and put her back in the basement, he is attacked by some thugs. Then Mommy Dearest pops out of the grave and kills two of them and they turn to zombies. What is possibly the greatest line in the entire movie happens when Father McGruder (Stuart Devenie) shows up and yell: "I kick ass for the Lord!" and proceeds to do just that. One of the thug-zombie gets dismembered and the other, Void (Jed Brophy), kills the priest and they both are added to the collection in the basement.

And then the nurse and priest have sex. Zombie sex is something I never want to see again. EVER! And she gives birth to a mutant cabbage patch kid. Lionel is trying to deal with this and the fact Paquita is pissed at him for not calling her back when Uncle Les (Ian Watkins) comes over sees the bodies. In exchange for not turning him in, Lionel gives him half the cash and the house his mother left him. So Les decides to throw a party. Paquita come and sees the dead bodies in the basement and convinces Lionel to kill them. So they make another trip to the friendly Nazi Vet to get poison and they inject into the zombies. Only it's not really poison it's a stimulant. This is why you read the fine print. The zombies get high and break out and start killing people at party who come back as zombies and they start killing more people who come back as more zombies who kill even more people... you get the idea. Eventually only Lionel and Paquita are left and they start dismembering the zombies with a blender and lawnmower in what is the bloodies, ickiest, funniest scene in the entire movie.  Somewhere in all that the house catches on fire and the mom also pops up. Only now she huge and... well huge. She literally opens up her belly to let Lionel back in. I am completely disturbed now.   He then kills her from the inside and the goes off with Paquita to live happily ever after.

I have a word of advice if you've never seen this movie. It is the same my friend gave me when I saw this movie. When you reach a point in the film where you think to yourself 'this just can't get any worse' believe me you are SO wrong. This movie it just keeps getting progressively more disturbing and yet maintains it sense of humour.   It was like watching a car wreck. I couldn't turn away even when Lionel decided to take the mutant cabbage patch doll for a walk. There was no way that was going to not end badly and I just kept watching and it kept getting worse. 

I loved every minute of it. Except the zombie sex. And the fact that there was little to no plot. But besides that, it was excellent.

Grade: 6.5/10