Bloodsuckers

This is where I would explain the plot of the movie, the problem is, I don't think there was an actual plot. It was more like a series of events that were all tied together.

As far as I can tell, Captain Churchill (Joe Lando) and his rag-tag crew - made up of a tough-talking Asian woman, a goofy redneck, a newbie, and a skanky vampire chick - hunt vampires. There are many different types of intergalactic vampires, some more dangerous than the others.

On the first mission, after we are privy to mutilated bodies, in many states of mutilatedness, we discover that these bloodsuckers actually eat limbs and have reinforced bone structure covering their hearts.

After this mission, where the newbie, Damian Underwood (Dominic Zamprona), almost gets himself killed, he wants a transfer. The captain says no, because he wants him around and that he is "damaged goods" because of a court marshal, and that no one else would take him anyways.

After some blah-blah about the Asian woman and the redneck not liking the vampire, they go on mission number 2 to rescue miners from Leatherfaces (Vampires that wear the skins of their victims). Boring story short: one survivor, blonde scientist, captain dies, crew blames newbie, odd circumstances involving the whole thing, newbie now acting captain. Huh?

More blah-blah. More tough talking from the Asian woman, and the redneck. They don't like him. They don't like Vamperella. They want out. When the blonde is dropped off the other two want out, but the acting captain does ... something and destroys their ID files. So they can't leave. And he'll sign their transfers once they treat him with a little respect. Sounds like something a six year would do. "You better treat me nicer or I won't give you back your teddy bear." Geez.

Anyways, mission #3. Place where they were just at gets attacked, under same circumstances as mission number 2, this time the blonde is nowhere to be found. Therefore she must be the villain of the movie.

We see that she is working with the vampires because ... she's insane? Something about humans have no right to be in outer space and vamps have as much right to live. Blah-blah.

The crew follows her ship and land on a planet then their ship gets totaled. They find a mining station inhabited by vamps and the blonde with her ... I really don't want to say henchmen, because that would imply they actually do something besides whine.

Anyways, we see another villain, Muco (Michael Ironside), and he kills the blonde when she gets too mouthy (best part of the movie). See, the captain wasn't really dead, he was vamperized, and Muco makes him and the new captain fight. That's almost breaking an evil overlord rule, but not quite.

While they're fighting, the "henchmen" free the crew and they kill all the vamps and leave. Then they are all one big happy family. Look, there's even a lesbianish moment at the end. What movie is complete without that? *Gag*

Bad plot, bad acting, bad script, bad costumes, bad sets, bad music and camera work. And, yet, somehow, it was still slightly entertaining.

I can't explain it.

There's not much to say except that they could've at least attempted to reread what they were writting. I mean "300 years ago humans were killing Indians because it was divine right"...the movie was set in 2210. 300 years ago was 1910, humans had already taken over the west.

A little attempt at professionalism, that's all I'm asking.

Grade: 3/10